Father figures

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A few weeks ago, I found myself listening to my husband giving parenting advice to one of our children.  

No longer a young child, not even a young adult. Our son is married.

He hadn't asked for any advice. He'd merely mentioned his situation. But within moments, his father was offering thoughts and suggestions. Our son caught my eye and smiled. The smile said, ‘Thank you, Daddy but I’ll do what I was planning to do anyway.’ Some things never change.

We’ve celebrated fatherhood through many childhood moments: helping a child to ride a bike, repairing a broken toy, supporting from the pitch side-lines. Those milestones matter.

But watching that exchange made me think about a different kind of fathering. The kind that continues long after children have grown up. As we’re getting older, my husband feels a growing desire to pass something on. Wisdom, encouragement, the lessons he’s learned along the way. To be honest, I feel like that too. I want to know that something of myself will continue beyond me.  I’ve heard psychologists call this generativity.

There's a challenge though. To offer guidance without control. To stay engaged without taking over. And to let our child walk their own road when every protective parenting instinct wants to walk it for them. Or at least point out a few shortcuts.

It made me think about Prophet Abraham as a father. In the Qur'an, the book Muslims turn to for guidance, God describes Abraham as an example to follow. He works alongside his son to build the Kabah.  He repeatedly prays for his children. What strikes me is that Abraham guides and supports, but doesn't do everything for them.  Perhaps part of his example was learning when to hold on and when to let go.

I think that's true of the best father figures I’ve come across. They’re not the ones who make every decision. They're the ones who help others become capable of making their own.

Our son eventually made his choice. As it turns out, it was the one my husband had suggested in the first place. I'm trying very hard not to mention that to him. Some father figures really don't need any extra encouragement.

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